i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize