What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
