Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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