she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
