Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This baby is an asshole
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
