Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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