The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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