someone threw a dead crab at me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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