you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
