ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
