My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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