Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
