Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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