The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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