Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
