I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
