K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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