you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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