You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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