I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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