well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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