Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
