I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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