you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
