i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
