so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
