Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
