the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
