I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
