my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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