I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
