I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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