Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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