some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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