Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I enjoy the company of your penis
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
