Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
