I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
