My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
