uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize