just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
