DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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