i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
