i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
