oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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