So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
