Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
