Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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