I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
