my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
