You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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