Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
