fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize