I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
