Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
