it was like his penis was on wheels.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
