Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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