I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
