I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
